Its actually over.
Not my job search. My so-called relationship.
I have been going back and forth with this guy for months now, and I just cannot take it anymore. I’ve been hurt by many stupid relationships before – I’ve had exes who robbed me, hit me, beat me, cheated on me, and just plain use me. But this breakup in particular has been the most painful. I believed I finally had a great man, the best man I ever dated, ambitious and affectionate; the first real man and good man I believed I ever had the opportunity to spend time with; the first time I ever truly felt a genuine spiritual connection, beyond all material and physical things; the first time I felt such extreme chemistry on so many different levels; the first time I felt my man was my best friend too. But he is also the man who hurt me the most.
I don’t want to sit here and complain or talk bad about him – I’m not even sure if I’m mad at him. I know we both still care deeply for one another. It was important for me today to let him know that I understood his feelings, that I knew this was a difficult situation, but I can’t keep letting him emotionally tear me apart, day after day. At this point, I just want to stop crying. Walking away from this situation has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, knowing he still wants to be here for me, that I love him as painfully hard as I do, but that I have to let him go.
If for some reason he ever comes across this blog, I want to thank him for helping me become the woman I am now: with my confidence, my opening up and letting inhibitions go, and always reminding me that I have so much more potential than I ever realized myself.
On a more positive note, I have decided to pursue a career in the fashion industry. I have denied this passion for fashion and need for creativity that I have in me since high school, for a number of reasons. I always felt that this industry has become such a cliché for females who felt they dressed well; I thought maybe I needed to study something more “academic” or entrepreneurial; I felt intimidated because I know this is a competitive and over saturated business. But screw it. Its what I love and enjoy, so why the hell not.
I have registered for a Fashion Coordination and Stylist Certificate at a reputable university for the fall, but I get to start my first course in a couple of weeks. In addition, I have been seeking an internship with a respectable stylist. I am so anxious to commence this new phase in my life, where can I start taking control and actually work towards something.
I still will be hunting a real job relentlessly, and I still will be dancing to make ends meet in the meantime, but it feels amazing to have an end goal. As a result of my personal drama, I have been unable to find the energy to even make it to the computer, let alone spend hours on Workopolis, Monster or Kijiji to find a job. But apparently, I have a lot of time on my hands now, so I feel I will be able to focus and juggle my schedule accordingly.
This is the first time in my adulthood that I have been single and entirely on my own, and I am simply terrified. I am also still very sad and heartbroken, but I will somehow find a way to turn that negativity into positive energy and motivation, and I cannot wait to see where life takes me next.
I still wish more than anything that I could share this new phase and enthusiasm with my own Mr. Big (for anybody that watched Sex and The City), but alas, I will venture this journey alone, and become a stronger woman for it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Like Dangling a Carrot in Front of a Horse
My ideal job right now would reflect my knowledge. My resume boasts years of administrative, retail management, and sales and marketing experience. I also have a college diploma, and have worked in the fashion business field. Thus, my ultimate job right now would be in the fashion industry, and would allow me a bit of room for creativity, and definitely room for growth. Buyer, merchandiser, things like that. Even a stylist. I won’t, however, work in a retail store as a sales associate.
I had applied for a position that seemed perfect. I think I might have even applied twice! I was ecstatic when this company contacted me for a meeting; but when I emailed back to confirm, I received no response. The day following the original interview, they contacted me again to apologize and reschedule. The opening is for an Assistant Buyer / Fit Model within a major company, that has hundreds of locations across North America. The job posting online describes familiar duties for a buyer, as well as a list of requirements which I surpass. I am very confident in a position like this, but I am absolutely not a model. Nonetheless, I’ve learned from my past in this industry that these are not actual models, but Fit models, which are mainly for trying samples to evaluate the fit and material. And since the description itself did not stress the Model role like it did the Buyer’s – all it said was “wear a size 5 in ladies clothing” – I felt no reason to feel intimidated going to this interview. I figured if I was confident and showed my enthusiasm and experience, the interviewer would recognize it.
Turns out it wasn’t even an interview, but rather, a fitting. I was rushed in and out; I tried on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black button up tunic, both size 5, and had it off in 2 minutes. The sample clothing was too big and long, and after reviewing the fit on me, the assistant said, “Thanks. We’ll let you know.”
Where was my interview? Where’s the part when I brag about all my experience? I even had an answer for my least favourite interview question, which is almost guaranteed every time an employer and a potential candidate sit down together: “what would you say is your worst quality?” I’ve never been more prepared for a job interview as I was today, specifically because I wanted this one so bad. I would even take it if it offered me cheese for a salary. I just wish they had stated in their job posting that this position was mainly for a fit model, and the assistant buyer role was secondary. Its über frustrating to have someone contact me about my ideal profession, only to deny me an actual interview. It’s exactly like the title of this post.
Oh well. What can I do. I guess its back to the search.
Aside from this one, I’ve had one other employment agency and a couple of sales positions contact me. I haven’t had a full day in front of the computer this week (that’s why it took so long to get this post up), so tomorrow daytime will be reserved for job searching and applying online.
On another note, Last Friday I went to work all burnt and damaged, if anyone recalls the last entry. It actually went a lot better than I thought it would, probably because I had my regulars there. However I did have one issue. The DJ convinced me to go on stage; I had been hesitant because of my burn marks. That turned out to be a big mistake. I ended up rubbing my forearms against the pole, and peeling the scab off three of the massive blisters, and it hurt like a motherfu…
By now though, I am starting to heal very nicely.
Yet another note: I think I’m back with my sometime boyfriend.
It’s impossible to shake him. I have absolutely no will power there. We’re fine most of the time, but we argue every time I go to work. The funny thing is, he has no problem with the business when I'm not working - he'll even suggest I go sometimes. But as soon as that first hour is up, I start recieving nasty texts from him; and by end of my shift, it's "I don't know if I can date a stripper." Boo hoo. Suck it up, because it's the same thing every time I go.
So here are my goals for next week: Get a job; get a job; and get a job.
I had applied for a position that seemed perfect. I think I might have even applied twice! I was ecstatic when this company contacted me for a meeting; but when I emailed back to confirm, I received no response. The day following the original interview, they contacted me again to apologize and reschedule. The opening is for an Assistant Buyer / Fit Model within a major company, that has hundreds of locations across North America. The job posting online describes familiar duties for a buyer, as well as a list of requirements which I surpass. I am very confident in a position like this, but I am absolutely not a model. Nonetheless, I’ve learned from my past in this industry that these are not actual models, but Fit models, which are mainly for trying samples to evaluate the fit and material. And since the description itself did not stress the Model role like it did the Buyer’s – all it said was “wear a size 5 in ladies clothing” – I felt no reason to feel intimidated going to this interview. I figured if I was confident and showed my enthusiasm and experience, the interviewer would recognize it.
Turns out it wasn’t even an interview, but rather, a fitting. I was rushed in and out; I tried on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black button up tunic, both size 5, and had it off in 2 minutes. The sample clothing was too big and long, and after reviewing the fit on me, the assistant said, “Thanks. We’ll let you know.”
Where was my interview? Where’s the part when I brag about all my experience? I even had an answer for my least favourite interview question, which is almost guaranteed every time an employer and a potential candidate sit down together: “what would you say is your worst quality?” I’ve never been more prepared for a job interview as I was today, specifically because I wanted this one so bad. I would even take it if it offered me cheese for a salary. I just wish they had stated in their job posting that this position was mainly for a fit model, and the assistant buyer role was secondary. Its über frustrating to have someone contact me about my ideal profession, only to deny me an actual interview. It’s exactly like the title of this post.
Oh well. What can I do. I guess its back to the search.
Aside from this one, I’ve had one other employment agency and a couple of sales positions contact me. I haven’t had a full day in front of the computer this week (that’s why it took so long to get this post up), so tomorrow daytime will be reserved for job searching and applying online.
On another note, Last Friday I went to work all burnt and damaged, if anyone recalls the last entry. It actually went a lot better than I thought it would, probably because I had my regulars there. However I did have one issue. The DJ convinced me to go on stage; I had been hesitant because of my burn marks. That turned out to be a big mistake. I ended up rubbing my forearms against the pole, and peeling the scab off three of the massive blisters, and it hurt like a motherfu…
By now though, I am starting to heal very nicely.
Yet another note: I think I’m back with my sometime boyfriend.
It’s impossible to shake him. I have absolutely no will power there. We’re fine most of the time, but we argue every time I go to work. The funny thing is, he has no problem with the business when I'm not working - he'll even suggest I go sometimes. But as soon as that first hour is up, I start recieving nasty texts from him; and by end of my shift, it's "I don't know if I can date a stripper." Boo hoo. Suck it up, because it's the same thing every time I go.
So here are my goals for next week: Get a job; get a job; and get a job.
Friday, April 9, 2010
...And I Can't Cook!
Three evenings ago, I attempted to make myself dinner. Some turkey, mashed potatoes, and asparagus tossed in garlic butter. I’ve prepared these before, so I was feeling quite confident.
The turkey I was making came with eight in a box, that you kept in your freezer. They were exactly like filet mignon steaks, only turkey. The directions on this PC brand box read that one can grill, pan fry or bake them. I usually bake meat whenever I have the option (it’s a lot harder for me to screw up that way!), but last time I had fried them and I really enjoyed them; however, they were a little burnt. So this time, I set the heat a tad lower, and I added more oil. The directions continue to read: Sear both sides on high, then fry for 4-5 minutes per side. As I grabbed the handle to reposition the pan to sear the meat, I realized it was hot – barely-touchable hot. I should have taken this as a sign, a forewarning that something bad was about to happen. Instead, I turned the heat down a bit more, grabbed the first of two turkey steaks (by now they had been sitting on my counter defrosting, so the were wet), and placed it on the pan. That’s how I remember it anyway.
Unexpectedly, the entire pan went up in flames, and heaps of oil came soaring at me. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tank top. Consequently, I got oil splashes on both my arms, from my wrists to my shoulders, and smaller drizzles on my chest! I filled a mug with water (YES I know now – don’t throw water on an oil fire!) and chucked it at the pan, only to watch the flames grow even higher. So I grabbed the pan and threw it in my sink, where the fire finally subdued, then eventually went out. I immediately ran the sore spots under some cool water and called the TeleHealth hotline. They suggested I go to the emergency room; I decided to wait for the morning and go see my doctor. By the end of the night, these splashes and drizzles darkened, and I now look like some sort of an alien Dalmatian.
I know this story seems irrelevant to this blog, but it’s actually very appropriate. Now more than ever, I should have a regular nine to five, as my culinary accident disallows me to go to work. This business depends on the physical appearance, so visible dysfunctions can really affect your hustle, not to mention the fact that I might just scare men away. Any other job, I wouldn’t hesitate to go back given a misfortune like this one, thus this is the time to be properly employed. Also, it’s not like dancers get Workers Compensation, Employment Insurance, or paid vacations. Maybe I’m just being insecure, but realistically, who is going to pay a spotted injured stripper to dance for them?
Tonight will be my first attempt back. I am working at a quieter smaller club, and will definitely NOT be doing a stage show. I will be putting on as much makeup as I can get away with, and will be wearing a white long sleeved fishnet outfit. Not only will the sleeves conceal my arms a bit, but also the white will glow under the black light, which will further hide my second-degree burn marks. I am trying to contact customers of mine, so at least I won’t have to be asking strangers for a dance. These men will definitely take me, and it will be much easier to explain the situation. Plus, I will feel more comfortable.
So wish me luck people. Lets hope everyone doesn’t think it’s as gross as it looks!
NOTE: To see pictures of my burns, check my facebook album.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2211&id=100000959370640&l=42739e5f11
The turkey I was making came with eight in a box, that you kept in your freezer. They were exactly like filet mignon steaks, only turkey. The directions on this PC brand box read that one can grill, pan fry or bake them. I usually bake meat whenever I have the option (it’s a lot harder for me to screw up that way!), but last time I had fried them and I really enjoyed them; however, they were a little burnt. So this time, I set the heat a tad lower, and I added more oil. The directions continue to read: Sear both sides on high, then fry for 4-5 minutes per side. As I grabbed the handle to reposition the pan to sear the meat, I realized it was hot – barely-touchable hot. I should have taken this as a sign, a forewarning that something bad was about to happen. Instead, I turned the heat down a bit more, grabbed the first of two turkey steaks (by now they had been sitting on my counter defrosting, so the were wet), and placed it on the pan. That’s how I remember it anyway.
Unexpectedly, the entire pan went up in flames, and heaps of oil came soaring at me. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tank top. Consequently, I got oil splashes on both my arms, from my wrists to my shoulders, and smaller drizzles on my chest! I filled a mug with water (YES I know now – don’t throw water on an oil fire!) and chucked it at the pan, only to watch the flames grow even higher. So I grabbed the pan and threw it in my sink, where the fire finally subdued, then eventually went out. I immediately ran the sore spots under some cool water and called the TeleHealth hotline. They suggested I go to the emergency room; I decided to wait for the morning and go see my doctor. By the end of the night, these splashes and drizzles darkened, and I now look like some sort of an alien Dalmatian.
I know this story seems irrelevant to this blog, but it’s actually very appropriate. Now more than ever, I should have a regular nine to five, as my culinary accident disallows me to go to work. This business depends on the physical appearance, so visible dysfunctions can really affect your hustle, not to mention the fact that I might just scare men away. Any other job, I wouldn’t hesitate to go back given a misfortune like this one, thus this is the time to be properly employed. Also, it’s not like dancers get Workers Compensation, Employment Insurance, or paid vacations. Maybe I’m just being insecure, but realistically, who is going to pay a spotted injured stripper to dance for them?
Tonight will be my first attempt back. I am working at a quieter smaller club, and will definitely NOT be doing a stage show. I will be putting on as much makeup as I can get away with, and will be wearing a white long sleeved fishnet outfit. Not only will the sleeves conceal my arms a bit, but also the white will glow under the black light, which will further hide my second-degree burn marks. I am trying to contact customers of mine, so at least I won’t have to be asking strangers for a dance. These men will definitely take me, and it will be much easier to explain the situation. Plus, I will feel more comfortable.
So wish me luck people. Lets hope everyone doesn’t think it’s as gross as it looks!
NOTE: To see pictures of my burns, check my facebook album.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2211&id=100000959370640&l=42739e5f11
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Ohhhh the Frustration...
Last week, I worked three nights at a club I had never worked before. Its supposed to be the classiest club in the city, so I assumed it was the cleanest. HA. I must have forgotten – there is no such thing as a clean club anymore, only clean girls.
My first night there wasn’t bad. Girls were relatively pleasant and not at all catty; the staff and customers were pretty friendly; and the club itself was rather clean (sanitarily, anyways…). However, because I worked in this city for a couple of years, I ran into patrons I recognized.
My second night was horrible. I saw two former customers of mine (who used to adore me) and they both turned me down. The first was a man who, last year, I briefly worked for at his company (My boyfriend was really uncomfortable with me working for someone who paid me to dance naked, understandably, so I ended up quitting). He used to be a guaranteed $200 every time I saw him. The second was a man for whom I danced for at least two years; he was the only customer I danced for at an hourly rate. He would always spend at least two hours with me, at a rate of $300 per hour. But not that night! I couldn’t help wonder who I had been replaced with, because: a) this was not my regular club, so obviously they were not there for me and b) they definitely didn’t spend a dime on me once they did see me. Situations like this can really get to a dancer; it is so important to have thick skin in this business. Unfortunately, accepting rejection has never been one of my strong suits!
The next day, the same man I used to work for called and asked me to meet him at that so-called classy club. I told him the following day would be better, and we worked out an hourly rate of $500. Consequently, I went back for a third night specifically for him. However, because I didn’t call and confirm, he left before I even got there. Bullshit! Then to make matters worse, I met this douche bag that thought he could do anything because he is rich. Damn I hate those! He insisted that we have sex in the VIP, and that because he was a friend of the owners, it was ok. I ended up walking away from him empty handed.
I know plenty of girls who would have played him for as much as they could, then leave him high and dry. Personally, I hate playing that game. I don’t even want to pretend I’m going to have sex with him. I was further turned off by the fact that the owner himself was nonchalant about girls having sex in the club. Another one of my issues working is that I started dancing before the business got so tough and wearisome, when us girls didn’t have to hustle so hard. Men would often come up to me and asked me for dances. Nowadays, if you’re not a hustler, you’re not making money. You have to approach everyone, not get discouraged, and keep it moving (either that or have your line up of "regulars", which is hard for me, considering I am not at any one club). This can be very challenging, considering some girls are doing “extras” and I just cannot compete with that. Yet this is only one example of why the clubs are no longer as good as they once were. In addition to the obvious recession, the introduction of internet porn, massage parlours and “pimps” have ruined the business for REAL exotic dancers. I also have to admit; my work ethic has changed within the last year, as I am simply fed up.
On another note, I have probably sent out 75 resumes this last month, including about a dozen I sent out yesterday. I discovered that certain sites, like workopolis, has an option to exclude jobs offered through employment agencies. I'm hoping to get some phone calls soon, and will probably send out more later this week. The sooner I get a real job, the sooner I can stop dealing with strip club bullshit. I'm ready to embrace the corporate bullshit!
My first night there wasn’t bad. Girls were relatively pleasant and not at all catty; the staff and customers were pretty friendly; and the club itself was rather clean (sanitarily, anyways…). However, because I worked in this city for a couple of years, I ran into patrons I recognized.
My second night was horrible. I saw two former customers of mine (who used to adore me) and they both turned me down. The first was a man who, last year, I briefly worked for at his company (My boyfriend was really uncomfortable with me working for someone who paid me to dance naked, understandably, so I ended up quitting). He used to be a guaranteed $200 every time I saw him. The second was a man for whom I danced for at least two years; he was the only customer I danced for at an hourly rate. He would always spend at least two hours with me, at a rate of $300 per hour. But not that night! I couldn’t help wonder who I had been replaced with, because: a) this was not my regular club, so obviously they were not there for me and b) they definitely didn’t spend a dime on me once they did see me. Situations like this can really get to a dancer; it is so important to have thick skin in this business. Unfortunately, accepting rejection has never been one of my strong suits!
The next day, the same man I used to work for called and asked me to meet him at that so-called classy club. I told him the following day would be better, and we worked out an hourly rate of $500. Consequently, I went back for a third night specifically for him. However, because I didn’t call and confirm, he left before I even got there. Bullshit! Then to make matters worse, I met this douche bag that thought he could do anything because he is rich. Damn I hate those! He insisted that we have sex in the VIP, and that because he was a friend of the owners, it was ok. I ended up walking away from him empty handed.
I know plenty of girls who would have played him for as much as they could, then leave him high and dry. Personally, I hate playing that game. I don’t even want to pretend I’m going to have sex with him. I was further turned off by the fact that the owner himself was nonchalant about girls having sex in the club. Another one of my issues working is that I started dancing before the business got so tough and wearisome, when us girls didn’t have to hustle so hard. Men would often come up to me and asked me for dances. Nowadays, if you’re not a hustler, you’re not making money. You have to approach everyone, not get discouraged, and keep it moving (either that or have your line up of "regulars", which is hard for me, considering I am not at any one club). This can be very challenging, considering some girls are doing “extras” and I just cannot compete with that. Yet this is only one example of why the clubs are no longer as good as they once were. In addition to the obvious recession, the introduction of internet porn, massage parlours and “pimps” have ruined the business for REAL exotic dancers. I also have to admit; my work ethic has changed within the last year, as I am simply fed up.
On another note, I have probably sent out 75 resumes this last month, including about a dozen I sent out yesterday. I discovered that certain sites, like workopolis, has an option to exclude jobs offered through employment agencies. I'm hoping to get some phone calls soon, and will probably send out more later this week. The sooner I get a real job, the sooner I can stop dealing with strip club bullshit. I'm ready to embrace the corporate bullshit!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Difficulty Dating - When You're a Dancer!
This past Monday was the first interview I sat through in probably seven years. They were very interested, and have since contacted me with a job offer for an office administrative type position. Fortunately for me, I have a pretty decent resume – years of experience, some educational background, and reputable references. This cannot be said for all dancers. Many started the business at such a young age they never even entered the workforce; some girls have been doing this for so long their past experiences are no longer applicable; and some simply have empty teenage resumes, with which it is virtually impossible to build a career.
Anyways, this job is far from what I am hoping for… and one-fifth the income I’d make were I dancing full time. Pass.
Then today, I went to another interview for a front office management position. It’s not much different, but the pay is a wee bit better. A wee bit. After struggling in traffic to get downtown, paying ten dollars for parking and walking another eight minutes, I arrived promptly at 12:58 pm for my one o’ clock interview in my nice Bebe dress pants and satin peacock blue button up – only to realize it was not the company itself I was meeting with, but rather an employment agency. Ummm… ok fine. “Just give it a try,” I told myself. After all I was already there. They put me in a room, left a stack of paperwork, and – get this – LEFT ME FOR AN HOUR! I don’t know, am I missing something here? Is this how it usually works?
The problem being a dancer is we measure time wasted monetarily. I automatically said to myself, “I’ve wasted nearly 2 hours and this interview still hasn’t started… I could’ve made a couple hundred during that time!”
So at the one-hour mark, I got my stuff together, wrote a sweet note (“Sorry I had to go, I didn’t realize this was a two hour process…”) and left.
I know I shouldn’t be so picky, demanding, difficult, high maintenance (whatever you want to call it), but it’s very hard to settle when I know I could be making so much more.
So I guess it’s back to the drawing board. I will continue to go online everyday and find me a job!
On a personal note, I tried these past couple of days to leave my bf. I guess I’m not trying that hard. I’m still crazy about him, but I’ve made it clear that I don’t want anything more than a friendship. At least until we both get our shit together (that last sentence just reminded me of something: I have got to stop swearing if I am to reenter the workforce!). I’m determined to be proactive and productive this year, and being in a difficult relationship will only delay my progress.
Speaking of dating, I would like to share my thoughts on why it is so hard for girls like me to be in a normal relationship.
The Difficulty Dating – When You’re a Dancer!
I’ll keep this as short and sweet as possible, because there’s a lot to be said.
It’s hard enough for any women to find a good man. But us dancers face a few added obstacles. First off, I have to say that as an exotic dancer, our choices are already limited, as many men wouldn’t even consider actually dating one. In my experiences, the majority of men who do date us fall into one (or more) of three categories:
1.The so-called Pimp
Whether the term is self-coined or denied, these men find out you’re a dancer and assume you make good money, or can at least. This category in itself has a number of sub-categories, but I’ll keep it simple. Some of these men try to convince you your money is better off with them; and some are just BUMS, always throwing at you that you make good tax-free cash, thus guilting you into always being the one to spend.
2.The Horndog
These men, for the most part, stereotype all strippers to be over sexual, wild and easy. Whether they’re willing to pay for it or not, they always assume that: a) its attainable, and that its just a matter of how, or how much, b) that’s all you have to offer and c) that essentially you’re the type of girl they have sex with, not bring home to momma.
3.The Knight in Shining Armour (that nobody asked for)
These ones are my personal favourite. They genuinely care about you, or at least an image of you. Sometimes they even fall in love, or think they do, with you or your persona. The problem however is usually one of two things: they feel the need to be a hero and “rescue” you from the business, whether you want it or not; or they get fed up (and sometimes even impose an ultimatum) and want you to stop dancing before you’re ready. I admit, there’s a hint of nobility in these men, but they have to realize quitting is something a girl does on her own when she’s ready and prepared. Albeit, sometimes the dancer truly is ready. But if she’s not and she does quit, she will resent him if she feels like she’s losing more than she is gaining.
My current on and off relationship is with a man of category 3. I’ve cut back working so much I screwed myself over, just to keep him comfortable and secure. I now recognize this, and am back to work, regardless of how he feels. I am, however, ready to quit, hence this blog. Just easing the transition…
My boyfriend before that was a strange combination of categories 1 and 3. Our relationship lacked any intimacy, and he held my dancing accountable. He, like many, had no problem in the beginning but eventually became insecure and distant. He tried to get me to quit, with no direction or back up plan, when we were together, but in retrospect, he took a lot more from me than he ever gave.
Yes, it’s not at all easy dating when you’re in this business. I guess it doesn’t help that we deal with men the way we do for a living. We learn so much about them: their fantasies, their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses and their perversions. That’s not to say that no dancer has a good man. I’m sure many do.
I’m just still searching for mine.
Anyways, this job is far from what I am hoping for… and one-fifth the income I’d make were I dancing full time. Pass.
Then today, I went to another interview for a front office management position. It’s not much different, but the pay is a wee bit better. A wee bit. After struggling in traffic to get downtown, paying ten dollars for parking and walking another eight minutes, I arrived promptly at 12:58 pm for my one o’ clock interview in my nice Bebe dress pants and satin peacock blue button up – only to realize it was not the company itself I was meeting with, but rather an employment agency. Ummm… ok fine. “Just give it a try,” I told myself. After all I was already there. They put me in a room, left a stack of paperwork, and – get this – LEFT ME FOR AN HOUR! I don’t know, am I missing something here? Is this how it usually works?
The problem being a dancer is we measure time wasted monetarily. I automatically said to myself, “I’ve wasted nearly 2 hours and this interview still hasn’t started… I could’ve made a couple hundred during that time!”
So at the one-hour mark, I got my stuff together, wrote a sweet note (“Sorry I had to go, I didn’t realize this was a two hour process…”) and left.
I know I shouldn’t be so picky, demanding, difficult, high maintenance (whatever you want to call it), but it’s very hard to settle when I know I could be making so much more.
So I guess it’s back to the drawing board. I will continue to go online everyday and find me a job!
On a personal note, I tried these past couple of days to leave my bf. I guess I’m not trying that hard. I’m still crazy about him, but I’ve made it clear that I don’t want anything more than a friendship. At least until we both get our shit together (that last sentence just reminded me of something: I have got to stop swearing if I am to reenter the workforce!). I’m determined to be proactive and productive this year, and being in a difficult relationship will only delay my progress.
Speaking of dating, I would like to share my thoughts on why it is so hard for girls like me to be in a normal relationship.
The Difficulty Dating – When You’re a Dancer!
I’ll keep this as short and sweet as possible, because there’s a lot to be said.
It’s hard enough for any women to find a good man. But us dancers face a few added obstacles. First off, I have to say that as an exotic dancer, our choices are already limited, as many men wouldn’t even consider actually dating one. In my experiences, the majority of men who do date us fall into one (or more) of three categories:
1.The so-called Pimp
Whether the term is self-coined or denied, these men find out you’re a dancer and assume you make good money, or can at least. This category in itself has a number of sub-categories, but I’ll keep it simple. Some of these men try to convince you your money is better off with them; and some are just BUMS, always throwing at you that you make good tax-free cash, thus guilting you into always being the one to spend.
2.The Horndog
These men, for the most part, stereotype all strippers to be over sexual, wild and easy. Whether they’re willing to pay for it or not, they always assume that: a) its attainable, and that its just a matter of how, or how much, b) that’s all you have to offer and c) that essentially you’re the type of girl they have sex with, not bring home to momma.
3.The Knight in Shining Armour (that nobody asked for)
These ones are my personal favourite. They genuinely care about you, or at least an image of you. Sometimes they even fall in love, or think they do, with you or your persona. The problem however is usually one of two things: they feel the need to be a hero and “rescue” you from the business, whether you want it or not; or they get fed up (and sometimes even impose an ultimatum) and want you to stop dancing before you’re ready. I admit, there’s a hint of nobility in these men, but they have to realize quitting is something a girl does on her own when she’s ready and prepared. Albeit, sometimes the dancer truly is ready. But if she’s not and she does quit, she will resent him if she feels like she’s losing more than she is gaining.
My current on and off relationship is with a man of category 3. I’ve cut back working so much I screwed myself over, just to keep him comfortable and secure. I now recognize this, and am back to work, regardless of how he feels. I am, however, ready to quit, hence this blog. Just easing the transition…
My boyfriend before that was a strange combination of categories 1 and 3. Our relationship lacked any intimacy, and he held my dancing accountable. He, like many, had no problem in the beginning but eventually became insecure and distant. He tried to get me to quit, with no direction or back up plan, when we were together, but in retrospect, he took a lot more from me than he ever gave.
Yes, it’s not at all easy dating when you’re in this business. I guess it doesn’t help that we deal with men the way we do for a living. We learn so much about them: their fantasies, their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses and their perversions. That’s not to say that no dancer has a good man. I’m sure many do.
I’m just still searching for mine.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Its a new year for new things!
I am almost 3 months behind on this blog.
My initial goal was to start a blog on January 1st of this year about getting out of the business – the dancing industry, that is. I had decided that I was fed up with the way the game has changed since I started. The girls are getting dirtier by the day; the caliber of these ladies and the clubs themselves are shameful; the patrons are starting to expect certain things (as if it were a part of my job description); and all the while, we are simply making less money. Especially if you’re an honest and clean stripper.
By now, I have been dancing for over three years. To be frank, by the time I started I had already missed the business at its best. I entered it during what you would call its downfall. And oh how I regret that! I wish I were dancing when dances were half the price they are now, because regardless, girls were making twice the money with half the work! There was also a lot more emphasis on the performer and performance aspect of the business. Stage shows were strong and seductive, each unique and truly entertaining. Girls loved performing!
Anyways, I decided this year that I was done. But rather than quit cold turkey (I could never do that with cigarettes), I would slowly make that transition. This blog is about my internal and external struggle I am sure I will face as I ease myself back into the real world. As I go along, I will introduce more and more about my experiences and myself.
At this point, I am still dancing occasionally. I am online everyday trying to find myself a regular job that doesn’t pay minimum wage. Once I do, I probably will keep dancing for a while, until I save up enough to finish school, or fall into a great career somehow. Or maybe I’ll get discovered – or even meet a rich handsome doctor! (I hope everyone realizes that last sentence was a joke, meant to poke humor at the stereotypical ideology of a stripper.) I have had 3 interviews set up this past week, one of which I actually showed up for.
Maybe I should mention this too: I am currently kinda in a kinda relationship. Yeah, I’m in one of those. I recognize that he hinders my progress, as I do his, and that he’s an unfaithful pathological liar. That’s exactly why I haven’t started this blog 3 months ago. I’ve been so distracted with him and us that I haven’t been able to write, focus on finding a job, or even going to the club to work. I don’t want to blame it all on him; I will admit that these are my decisions. But I have such a weakness for him. Thus, this blog is about more than my transition – it is about a time in my life that I would like to document for myself. It’s about growing up into adulthood, becoming a productive member of society, getting over someone and using that as motivation to move forward, and the struggles we dancers face when we do reenter the real workforce.
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