...And I Can't Cook!

Three evenings ago, I attempted to make myself dinner. Some turkey, mashed potatoes, and asparagus tossed in garlic butter. I’ve prepared these before, so I was feeling quite confident.
The turkey I was making came with eight in a box, that you kept in your freezer. They were exactly like filet mignon steaks, only turkey. The directions on this PC brand box read that one can grill, pan fry or bake them. I usually bake meat whenever I have the option (it’s a lot harder for me to screw up that way!), but last time I had fried them and I really enjoyed them; however, they were a little burnt. So this time, I set the heat a tad lower, and I added more oil. The directions continue to read: Sear both sides on high, then fry for 4-5 minutes per side. As I grabbed the handle to reposition the pan to sear the meat, I realized it was hot – barely-touchable hot. I should have taken this as a sign, a forewarning that something bad was about to happen. Instead, I turned the heat down a bit more, grabbed the first of two turkey steaks (by now they had been sitting on my counter defrosting, so the were wet), and placed it on the pan. That’s how I remember it anyway.
Unexpectedly, the entire pan went up in flames, and heaps of oil came soaring at me. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tank top. Consequently, I got oil splashes on both my arms, from my wrists to my shoulders, and smaller drizzles on my chest! I filled a mug with water (YES I know now – don’t throw water on an oil fire!) and chucked it at the pan, only to watch the flames grow even higher. So I grabbed the pan and threw it in my sink, where the fire finally subdued, then eventually went out. I immediately ran the sore spots under some cool water and called the TeleHealth hotline. They suggested I go to the emergency room; I decided to wait for the morning and go see my doctor. By the end of the night, these splashes and drizzles darkened, and I now look like some sort of an alien Dalmatian.
I know this story seems irrelevant to this blog, but it’s actually very appropriate. Now more than ever, I should have a regular nine to five, as my culinary accident disallows me to go to work. This business depends on the physical appearance, so visible dysfunctions can really affect your hustle, not to mention the fact that I might just scare men away. Any other job, I wouldn’t hesitate to go back given a misfortune like this one, thus this is the time to be properly employed. Also, it’s not like dancers get Workers Compensation, Employment Insurance, or paid vacations. Maybe I’m just being insecure, but realistically, who is going to pay a spotted injured stripper to dance for them?
Tonight will be my first attempt back. I am working at a quieter smaller club, and will definitely NOT be doing a stage show. I will be putting on as much makeup as I can get away with, and will be wearing a white long sleeved fishnet outfit. Not only will the sleeves conceal my arms a bit, but also the white will glow under the black light, which will further hide my second-degree burn marks. I am trying to contact customers of mine, so at least I won’t have to be asking strangers for a dance. These men will definitely take me, and it will be much easier to explain the situation. Plus, I will feel more comfortable.
So wish me luck people. Lets hope everyone doesn’t think it’s as gross as it looks!

NOTE: To see pictures of my burns, check my facebook album.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2211&id=100000959370640&l=42739e5f11