Its actually over.
Not my job search. My so-called relationship.
I have been going back and forth with this guy for months now, and I just cannot take it anymore. I’ve been hurt by many stupid relationships before – I’ve had exes who robbed me, hit me, beat me, cheated on me, and just plain use me. But this breakup in particular has been the most painful. I believed I finally had a great man, the best man I ever dated, ambitious and affectionate; the first real man and good man I believed I ever had the opportunity to spend time with; the first time I ever truly felt a genuine spiritual connection, beyond all material and physical things; the first time I felt such extreme chemistry on so many different levels; the first time I felt my man was my best friend too. But he is also the man who hurt me the most.
I don’t want to sit here and complain or talk bad about him – I’m not even sure if I’m mad at him. I know we both still care deeply for one another. It was important for me today to let him know that I understood his feelings, that I knew this was a difficult situation, but I can’t keep letting him emotionally tear me apart, day after day. At this point, I just want to stop crying. Walking away from this situation has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, knowing he still wants to be here for me, that I love him as painfully hard as I do, but that I have to let him go.
If for some reason he ever comes across this blog, I want to thank him for helping me become the woman I am now: with my confidence, my opening up and letting inhibitions go, and always reminding me that I have so much more potential than I ever realized myself.
On a more positive note, I have decided to pursue a career in the fashion industry. I have denied this passion for fashion and need for creativity that I have in me since high school, for a number of reasons. I always felt that this industry has become such a cliché for females who felt they dressed well; I thought maybe I needed to study something more “academic” or entrepreneurial; I felt intimidated because I know this is a competitive and over saturated business. But screw it. Its what I love and enjoy, so why the hell not.
I have registered for a Fashion Coordination and Stylist Certificate at a reputable university for the fall, but I get to start my first course in a couple of weeks. In addition, I have been seeking an internship with a respectable stylist. I am so anxious to commence this new phase in my life, where can I start taking control and actually work towards something.
I still will be hunting a real job relentlessly, and I still will be dancing to make ends meet in the meantime, but it feels amazing to have an end goal. As a result of my personal drama, I have been unable to find the energy to even make it to the computer, let alone spend hours on Workopolis, Monster or Kijiji to find a job. But apparently, I have a lot of time on my hands now, so I feel I will be able to focus and juggle my schedule accordingly.
This is the first time in my adulthood that I have been single and entirely on my own, and I am simply terrified. I am also still very sad and heartbroken, but I will somehow find a way to turn that negativity into positive energy and motivation, and I cannot wait to see where life takes me next.
I still wish more than anything that I could share this new phase and enthusiasm with my own Mr. Big (for anybody that watched Sex and The City), but alas, I will venture this journey alone, and become a stronger woman for it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Like Dangling a Carrot in Front of a Horse
My ideal job right now would reflect my knowledge. My resume boasts years of administrative, retail management, and sales and marketing experience. I also have a college diploma, and have worked in the fashion business field. Thus, my ultimate job right now would be in the fashion industry, and would allow me a bit of room for creativity, and definitely room for growth. Buyer, merchandiser, things like that. Even a stylist. I won’t, however, work in a retail store as a sales associate.
I had applied for a position that seemed perfect. I think I might have even applied twice! I was ecstatic when this company contacted me for a meeting; but when I emailed back to confirm, I received no response. The day following the original interview, they contacted me again to apologize and reschedule. The opening is for an Assistant Buyer / Fit Model within a major company, that has hundreds of locations across North America. The job posting online describes familiar duties for a buyer, as well as a list of requirements which I surpass. I am very confident in a position like this, but I am absolutely not a model. Nonetheless, I’ve learned from my past in this industry that these are not actual models, but Fit models, which are mainly for trying samples to evaluate the fit and material. And since the description itself did not stress the Model role like it did the Buyer’s – all it said was “wear a size 5 in ladies clothing” – I felt no reason to feel intimidated going to this interview. I figured if I was confident and showed my enthusiasm and experience, the interviewer would recognize it.
Turns out it wasn’t even an interview, but rather, a fitting. I was rushed in and out; I tried on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black button up tunic, both size 5, and had it off in 2 minutes. The sample clothing was too big and long, and after reviewing the fit on me, the assistant said, “Thanks. We’ll let you know.”
Where was my interview? Where’s the part when I brag about all my experience? I even had an answer for my least favourite interview question, which is almost guaranteed every time an employer and a potential candidate sit down together: “what would you say is your worst quality?” I’ve never been more prepared for a job interview as I was today, specifically because I wanted this one so bad. I would even take it if it offered me cheese for a salary. I just wish they had stated in their job posting that this position was mainly for a fit model, and the assistant buyer role was secondary. Its über frustrating to have someone contact me about my ideal profession, only to deny me an actual interview. It’s exactly like the title of this post.
Oh well. What can I do. I guess its back to the search.
Aside from this one, I’ve had one other employment agency and a couple of sales positions contact me. I haven’t had a full day in front of the computer this week (that’s why it took so long to get this post up), so tomorrow daytime will be reserved for job searching and applying online.
On another note, Last Friday I went to work all burnt and damaged, if anyone recalls the last entry. It actually went a lot better than I thought it would, probably because I had my regulars there. However I did have one issue. The DJ convinced me to go on stage; I had been hesitant because of my burn marks. That turned out to be a big mistake. I ended up rubbing my forearms against the pole, and peeling the scab off three of the massive blisters, and it hurt like a motherfu…
By now though, I am starting to heal very nicely.
Yet another note: I think I’m back with my sometime boyfriend.
It’s impossible to shake him. I have absolutely no will power there. We’re fine most of the time, but we argue every time I go to work. The funny thing is, he has no problem with the business when I'm not working - he'll even suggest I go sometimes. But as soon as that first hour is up, I start recieving nasty texts from him; and by end of my shift, it's "I don't know if I can date a stripper." Boo hoo. Suck it up, because it's the same thing every time I go.
So here are my goals for next week: Get a job; get a job; and get a job.
I had applied for a position that seemed perfect. I think I might have even applied twice! I was ecstatic when this company contacted me for a meeting; but when I emailed back to confirm, I received no response. The day following the original interview, they contacted me again to apologize and reschedule. The opening is for an Assistant Buyer / Fit Model within a major company, that has hundreds of locations across North America. The job posting online describes familiar duties for a buyer, as well as a list of requirements which I surpass. I am very confident in a position like this, but I am absolutely not a model. Nonetheless, I’ve learned from my past in this industry that these are not actual models, but Fit models, which are mainly for trying samples to evaluate the fit and material. And since the description itself did not stress the Model role like it did the Buyer’s – all it said was “wear a size 5 in ladies clothing” – I felt no reason to feel intimidated going to this interview. I figured if I was confident and showed my enthusiasm and experience, the interviewer would recognize it.
Turns out it wasn’t even an interview, but rather, a fitting. I was rushed in and out; I tried on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black button up tunic, both size 5, and had it off in 2 minutes. The sample clothing was too big and long, and after reviewing the fit on me, the assistant said, “Thanks. We’ll let you know.”
Where was my interview? Where’s the part when I brag about all my experience? I even had an answer for my least favourite interview question, which is almost guaranteed every time an employer and a potential candidate sit down together: “what would you say is your worst quality?” I’ve never been more prepared for a job interview as I was today, specifically because I wanted this one so bad. I would even take it if it offered me cheese for a salary. I just wish they had stated in their job posting that this position was mainly for a fit model, and the assistant buyer role was secondary. Its über frustrating to have someone contact me about my ideal profession, only to deny me an actual interview. It’s exactly like the title of this post.
Oh well. What can I do. I guess its back to the search.
Aside from this one, I’ve had one other employment agency and a couple of sales positions contact me. I haven’t had a full day in front of the computer this week (that’s why it took so long to get this post up), so tomorrow daytime will be reserved for job searching and applying online.
On another note, Last Friday I went to work all burnt and damaged, if anyone recalls the last entry. It actually went a lot better than I thought it would, probably because I had my regulars there. However I did have one issue. The DJ convinced me to go on stage; I had been hesitant because of my burn marks. That turned out to be a big mistake. I ended up rubbing my forearms against the pole, and peeling the scab off three of the massive blisters, and it hurt like a motherfu…
By now though, I am starting to heal very nicely.
Yet another note: I think I’m back with my sometime boyfriend.
It’s impossible to shake him. I have absolutely no will power there. We’re fine most of the time, but we argue every time I go to work. The funny thing is, he has no problem with the business when I'm not working - he'll even suggest I go sometimes. But as soon as that first hour is up, I start recieving nasty texts from him; and by end of my shift, it's "I don't know if I can date a stripper." Boo hoo. Suck it up, because it's the same thing every time I go.
So here are my goals for next week: Get a job; get a job; and get a job.
Friday, April 9, 2010
...And I Can't Cook!
Three evenings ago, I attempted to make myself dinner. Some turkey, mashed potatoes, and asparagus tossed in garlic butter. I’ve prepared these before, so I was feeling quite confident.
The turkey I was making came with eight in a box, that you kept in your freezer. They were exactly like filet mignon steaks, only turkey. The directions on this PC brand box read that one can grill, pan fry or bake them. I usually bake meat whenever I have the option (it’s a lot harder for me to screw up that way!), but last time I had fried them and I really enjoyed them; however, they were a little burnt. So this time, I set the heat a tad lower, and I added more oil. The directions continue to read: Sear both sides on high, then fry for 4-5 minutes per side. As I grabbed the handle to reposition the pan to sear the meat, I realized it was hot – barely-touchable hot. I should have taken this as a sign, a forewarning that something bad was about to happen. Instead, I turned the heat down a bit more, grabbed the first of two turkey steaks (by now they had been sitting on my counter defrosting, so the were wet), and placed it on the pan. That’s how I remember it anyway.
Unexpectedly, the entire pan went up in flames, and heaps of oil came soaring at me. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tank top. Consequently, I got oil splashes on both my arms, from my wrists to my shoulders, and smaller drizzles on my chest! I filled a mug with water (YES I know now – don’t throw water on an oil fire!) and chucked it at the pan, only to watch the flames grow even higher. So I grabbed the pan and threw it in my sink, where the fire finally subdued, then eventually went out. I immediately ran the sore spots under some cool water and called the TeleHealth hotline. They suggested I go to the emergency room; I decided to wait for the morning and go see my doctor. By the end of the night, these splashes and drizzles darkened, and I now look like some sort of an alien Dalmatian.
I know this story seems irrelevant to this blog, but it’s actually very appropriate. Now more than ever, I should have a regular nine to five, as my culinary accident disallows me to go to work. This business depends on the physical appearance, so visible dysfunctions can really affect your hustle, not to mention the fact that I might just scare men away. Any other job, I wouldn’t hesitate to go back given a misfortune like this one, thus this is the time to be properly employed. Also, it’s not like dancers get Workers Compensation, Employment Insurance, or paid vacations. Maybe I’m just being insecure, but realistically, who is going to pay a spotted injured stripper to dance for them?
Tonight will be my first attempt back. I am working at a quieter smaller club, and will definitely NOT be doing a stage show. I will be putting on as much makeup as I can get away with, and will be wearing a white long sleeved fishnet outfit. Not only will the sleeves conceal my arms a bit, but also the white will glow under the black light, which will further hide my second-degree burn marks. I am trying to contact customers of mine, so at least I won’t have to be asking strangers for a dance. These men will definitely take me, and it will be much easier to explain the situation. Plus, I will feel more comfortable.
So wish me luck people. Lets hope everyone doesn’t think it’s as gross as it looks!
NOTE: To see pictures of my burns, check my facebook album.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2211&id=100000959370640&l=42739e5f11
The turkey I was making came with eight in a box, that you kept in your freezer. They were exactly like filet mignon steaks, only turkey. The directions on this PC brand box read that one can grill, pan fry or bake them. I usually bake meat whenever I have the option (it’s a lot harder for me to screw up that way!), but last time I had fried them and I really enjoyed them; however, they were a little burnt. So this time, I set the heat a tad lower, and I added more oil. The directions continue to read: Sear both sides on high, then fry for 4-5 minutes per side. As I grabbed the handle to reposition the pan to sear the meat, I realized it was hot – barely-touchable hot. I should have taken this as a sign, a forewarning that something bad was about to happen. Instead, I turned the heat down a bit more, grabbed the first of two turkey steaks (by now they had been sitting on my counter defrosting, so the were wet), and placed it on the pan. That’s how I remember it anyway.
Unexpectedly, the entire pan went up in flames, and heaps of oil came soaring at me. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tank top. Consequently, I got oil splashes on both my arms, from my wrists to my shoulders, and smaller drizzles on my chest! I filled a mug with water (YES I know now – don’t throw water on an oil fire!) and chucked it at the pan, only to watch the flames grow even higher. So I grabbed the pan and threw it in my sink, where the fire finally subdued, then eventually went out. I immediately ran the sore spots under some cool water and called the TeleHealth hotline. They suggested I go to the emergency room; I decided to wait for the morning and go see my doctor. By the end of the night, these splashes and drizzles darkened, and I now look like some sort of an alien Dalmatian.
I know this story seems irrelevant to this blog, but it’s actually very appropriate. Now more than ever, I should have a regular nine to five, as my culinary accident disallows me to go to work. This business depends on the physical appearance, so visible dysfunctions can really affect your hustle, not to mention the fact that I might just scare men away. Any other job, I wouldn’t hesitate to go back given a misfortune like this one, thus this is the time to be properly employed. Also, it’s not like dancers get Workers Compensation, Employment Insurance, or paid vacations. Maybe I’m just being insecure, but realistically, who is going to pay a spotted injured stripper to dance for them?
Tonight will be my first attempt back. I am working at a quieter smaller club, and will definitely NOT be doing a stage show. I will be putting on as much makeup as I can get away with, and will be wearing a white long sleeved fishnet outfit. Not only will the sleeves conceal my arms a bit, but also the white will glow under the black light, which will further hide my second-degree burn marks. I am trying to contact customers of mine, so at least I won’t have to be asking strangers for a dance. These men will definitely take me, and it will be much easier to explain the situation. Plus, I will feel more comfortable.
So wish me luck people. Lets hope everyone doesn’t think it’s as gross as it looks!
NOTE: To see pictures of my burns, check my facebook album.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2211&id=100000959370640&l=42739e5f11
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Ohhhh the Frustration...
Last week, I worked three nights at a club I had never worked before. Its supposed to be the classiest club in the city, so I assumed it was the cleanest. HA. I must have forgotten – there is no such thing as a clean club anymore, only clean girls.
My first night there wasn’t bad. Girls were relatively pleasant and not at all catty; the staff and customers were pretty friendly; and the club itself was rather clean (sanitarily, anyways…). However, because I worked in this city for a couple of years, I ran into patrons I recognized.
My second night was horrible. I saw two former customers of mine (who used to adore me) and they both turned me down. The first was a man who, last year, I briefly worked for at his company (My boyfriend was really uncomfortable with me working for someone who paid me to dance naked, understandably, so I ended up quitting). He used to be a guaranteed $200 every time I saw him. The second was a man for whom I danced for at least two years; he was the only customer I danced for at an hourly rate. He would always spend at least two hours with me, at a rate of $300 per hour. But not that night! I couldn’t help wonder who I had been replaced with, because: a) this was not my regular club, so obviously they were not there for me and b) they definitely didn’t spend a dime on me once they did see me. Situations like this can really get to a dancer; it is so important to have thick skin in this business. Unfortunately, accepting rejection has never been one of my strong suits!
The next day, the same man I used to work for called and asked me to meet him at that so-called classy club. I told him the following day would be better, and we worked out an hourly rate of $500. Consequently, I went back for a third night specifically for him. However, because I didn’t call and confirm, he left before I even got there. Bullshit! Then to make matters worse, I met this douche bag that thought he could do anything because he is rich. Damn I hate those! He insisted that we have sex in the VIP, and that because he was a friend of the owners, it was ok. I ended up walking away from him empty handed.
I know plenty of girls who would have played him for as much as they could, then leave him high and dry. Personally, I hate playing that game. I don’t even want to pretend I’m going to have sex with him. I was further turned off by the fact that the owner himself was nonchalant about girls having sex in the club. Another one of my issues working is that I started dancing before the business got so tough and wearisome, when us girls didn’t have to hustle so hard. Men would often come up to me and asked me for dances. Nowadays, if you’re not a hustler, you’re not making money. You have to approach everyone, not get discouraged, and keep it moving (either that or have your line up of "regulars", which is hard for me, considering I am not at any one club). This can be very challenging, considering some girls are doing “extras” and I just cannot compete with that. Yet this is only one example of why the clubs are no longer as good as they once were. In addition to the obvious recession, the introduction of internet porn, massage parlours and “pimps” have ruined the business for REAL exotic dancers. I also have to admit; my work ethic has changed within the last year, as I am simply fed up.
On another note, I have probably sent out 75 resumes this last month, including about a dozen I sent out yesterday. I discovered that certain sites, like workopolis, has an option to exclude jobs offered through employment agencies. I'm hoping to get some phone calls soon, and will probably send out more later this week. The sooner I get a real job, the sooner I can stop dealing with strip club bullshit. I'm ready to embrace the corporate bullshit!
My first night there wasn’t bad. Girls were relatively pleasant and not at all catty; the staff and customers were pretty friendly; and the club itself was rather clean (sanitarily, anyways…). However, because I worked in this city for a couple of years, I ran into patrons I recognized.
My second night was horrible. I saw two former customers of mine (who used to adore me) and they both turned me down. The first was a man who, last year, I briefly worked for at his company (My boyfriend was really uncomfortable with me working for someone who paid me to dance naked, understandably, so I ended up quitting). He used to be a guaranteed $200 every time I saw him. The second was a man for whom I danced for at least two years; he was the only customer I danced for at an hourly rate. He would always spend at least two hours with me, at a rate of $300 per hour. But not that night! I couldn’t help wonder who I had been replaced with, because: a) this was not my regular club, so obviously they were not there for me and b) they definitely didn’t spend a dime on me once they did see me. Situations like this can really get to a dancer; it is so important to have thick skin in this business. Unfortunately, accepting rejection has never been one of my strong suits!
The next day, the same man I used to work for called and asked me to meet him at that so-called classy club. I told him the following day would be better, and we worked out an hourly rate of $500. Consequently, I went back for a third night specifically for him. However, because I didn’t call and confirm, he left before I even got there. Bullshit! Then to make matters worse, I met this douche bag that thought he could do anything because he is rich. Damn I hate those! He insisted that we have sex in the VIP, and that because he was a friend of the owners, it was ok. I ended up walking away from him empty handed.
I know plenty of girls who would have played him for as much as they could, then leave him high and dry. Personally, I hate playing that game. I don’t even want to pretend I’m going to have sex with him. I was further turned off by the fact that the owner himself was nonchalant about girls having sex in the club. Another one of my issues working is that I started dancing before the business got so tough and wearisome, when us girls didn’t have to hustle so hard. Men would often come up to me and asked me for dances. Nowadays, if you’re not a hustler, you’re not making money. You have to approach everyone, not get discouraged, and keep it moving (either that or have your line up of "regulars", which is hard for me, considering I am not at any one club). This can be very challenging, considering some girls are doing “extras” and I just cannot compete with that. Yet this is only one example of why the clubs are no longer as good as they once were. In addition to the obvious recession, the introduction of internet porn, massage parlours and “pimps” have ruined the business for REAL exotic dancers. I also have to admit; my work ethic has changed within the last year, as I am simply fed up.
On another note, I have probably sent out 75 resumes this last month, including about a dozen I sent out yesterday. I discovered that certain sites, like workopolis, has an option to exclude jobs offered through employment agencies. I'm hoping to get some phone calls soon, and will probably send out more later this week. The sooner I get a real job, the sooner I can stop dealing with strip club bullshit. I'm ready to embrace the corporate bullshit!
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