My Journey Changes Course

Its actually over.
Not my job search. My so-called relationship.
I have been going back and forth with this guy for months now, and I just cannot take it anymore. I’ve been hurt by many stupid relationships before – I’ve had exes who robbed me, hit me, beat me, cheated on me, and just plain use me. But this breakup in particular has been the most painful. I believed I finally had a great man, the best man I ever dated, ambitious and affectionate; the first real man and good man I believed I ever had the opportunity to spend time with; the first time I ever truly felt a genuine spiritual connection, beyond all material and physical things; the first time I felt such extreme chemistry on so many different levels; the first time I felt my man was my best friend too. But he is also the man who hurt me the most.
I don’t want to sit here and complain or talk bad about him – I’m not even sure if I’m mad at him. I know we both still care deeply for one another. It was important for me today to let him know that I understood his feelings, that I knew this was a difficult situation, but I can’t keep letting him emotionally tear me apart, day after day. At this point, I just want to stop crying. Walking away from this situation has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, knowing he still wants to be here for me, that I love him as painfully hard as I do, but that I have to let him go.
If for some reason he ever comes across this blog, I want to thank him for helping me become the woman I am now: with my confidence, my opening up and letting inhibitions go, and always reminding me that I have so much more potential than I ever realized myself.
On a more positive note, I have decided to pursue a career in the fashion industry. I have denied this passion for fashion and need for creativity that I have in me since high school, for a number of reasons. I always felt that this industry has become such a cliché for females who felt they dressed well; I thought maybe I needed to study something more “academic” or entrepreneurial; I felt intimidated because I know this is a competitive and over saturated business. But screw it. Its what I love and enjoy, so why the hell not.
I have registered for a Fashion Coordination and Stylist Certificate at a reputable university for the fall, but I get to start my first course in a couple of weeks. In addition, I have been seeking an internship with a respectable stylist. I am so anxious to commence this new phase in my life, where can I start taking control and actually work towards something.
I still will be hunting a real job relentlessly, and I still will be dancing to make ends meet in the meantime, but it feels amazing to have an end goal. As a result of my personal drama, I have been unable to find the energy to even make it to the computer, let alone spend hours on Workopolis, Monster or Kijiji to find a job. But apparently, I have a lot of time on my hands now, so I feel I will be able to focus and juggle my schedule accordingly.
This is the first time in my adulthood that I have been single and entirely on my own, and I am simply terrified. I am also still very sad and heartbroken, but I will somehow find a way to turn that negativity into positive energy and motivation, and I cannot wait to see where life takes me next.
I still wish more than anything that I could share this new phase and enthusiasm with my own Mr. Big (for anybody that watched Sex and The City), but alas, I will venture this journey alone, and become a stronger woman for it.